Full Circle Moment

So Bryan preached his first sermon ever in a church this past Sunday evening.  Wow!  What a surreal experience to be sitting in the congregation at The Exchange in Medina, MN watching my husband preaching.  I know I may be a bit biased but I think he did an amazing job!  He spoke about Psalm 146 and he used an amazing Facebook analogy to do so...complete with slides depicting our facebook friend, The Psalmist's profile page.  If you have not listened to it and you'd like to hear it, check out the link at the end of this post...but to summarize he spoke about how God uses people to bring redemption to a broken world.  At the end of his sermon, he started to talk about his/our own story.  For those of you who don't know, our story is not without some pretty low valleys.  It was about 8 years ago that we were not sure our marriage was going to last.  As a matter of fact, it seemed that all hope was lost...almost.  It was then that we found Woodcrest (our church in MO) and there we rediscovered God through the amazing people there...and through our families.  It was a difficult and slow journey back to good from that terrible place we were in when we first walked through those glass church doors.  As we went through our separation and reconciliation, I had a good friend and mentor at work named Tom that met with me regularly to listen, talk and pray.  Not too very long after Bryan and I had begun our long climb out of the valley, I shared with him that Bryan seemed to be very interested in learning more about theology.  "Wouldn't it be crazy," I vividly remember saying to Tom, "if someday Bryan were to go to seminary and be in ministry."  You see Tom knew the depth of the brokeness that Bryan and I were trying to rise from...and hear me when I say, it was pretty deep.  As I sat in church this past Sunday night with tears streaming down my face and listened to Bryan preach and recall our story in hopes it would serve as an example to others that God can and will and has used some pretty terrible circumstances and redeemed them for good, I kept feeling what a Full Circle Moment I was experiencing from the moment I spoke those words to my friend Tom so many years ago to now.  God is good and amazing, my friends!

Hear me when I say God can redeem your story too if you are in a valley.  No matter how low.  Reach for him and pray the words of one of my favorite verses (Romans 8:28) and ask God to work all things together for the good of those who love him and to use your life for his purposes.  I have faith He will!  But watch out...because you never know where it will lead.  : )  One thing is for sure, neither Bryan nor I have ever felt more purposeful than now...as we fulfill what we truly believe to be our God ordained calling.

God bless...


Link to Bryan's Sermon

Woodridge Church hosts The Exchange on Sunday nights.

Woodridge Church

Bryan and I sitting on the steps next to the stage where he spoke...enjoying our  Full Circle Moment!

The Power of Community

          

While living here on campus at Bethel Seminary, we are blessed to be a part of one of the most amazing communities I’ve ever been a part of.  There is something amazing and special about “doing life” with people that you care about and that care about you.  I’ve heard some people say things like “I can do it on my own” or “I don’t need help from anyone.”  It is my belief that this is simply not true.  God designed us to be in community…we are relational beings to our core.  We need to celebrate together.  We need to laugh together.  We need to cry together.  We need to hold each other accountable.

Living on campus is a unique experience where we get to live with people from all walks of life who are in different stages of life…but who all have one thing in common…and that is of course Bethel Seminary.  Whether we are in school or married to someone who is in school, we know what this season feels like and how valuable it is to have people all around us to talk to on the bad and good days!  Not only that, but to have friends around all the time to hang out with, ask favors of and to help out when they need something.  It is something special that I did not completely realize the value of and cannot begin to imagine how much I will miss when we graduate.

Now…I know that everyone cannot move up to Bethel to experience what I’m describing (but if you want to, we do have a few open apartments and we’d love to have you!!), but you can experience this in your own unique way in your own life!  Church communities are an amazing way to “do life together.”  Join a small group, take a class or even just meeting someone new at a weekend service.   Church is not the only place of course…the possibilities are endless really.  Groups of people with similar interests (i.e. running, knitting, mom’s groups) or groups focused on healing (12 steps groups or other recovery groups).   To connect to others in a genuine fashion can be scary.  It’s hard to be honest and transparent with other people…especially if you’ve tried that before and been hurt.  But not being in community, not taking the risk is so much worse.

God did not create us to be alone.  Just look at the creation story in the Bible.  Adam was lonely and God created Eve.  There is no guarantee it won’t be messy or complicated…or that there won’t be any hurt involved from time to time…but in the end it’s so very worth it.

So why do people resist community?  Perhaps they are afraid of being hurt?  Maybe they’ve never experienced genuine healthy community and don’t know what they are missing?  Could they be fearful of judgement or even healthy confrontation from others?  I’m sure the list is endless…

It is my hope that each of you can find a community of safe people who are striving to grow as individuals in all facets of their lives…embrace the relational being that God made you to be.  Decide to get engaged and choose to start this week!!

A Salute and a Vow for a Fallen Marine

I wrote this in May of 2006. I am posting this in honor of Leon and in honor of all those who have sacrificed for our freedom.  Please remember our veteran's on Memorial Day and everyday!!!
                          

Lance Corporal Leon Bertrand Deraps

Nov 13, 1986 - May 6, 2006

When you pass by a person in a military uniform, what do you do? Are you filled with pride? Are you filled with anger? Do you even notice them or have a second thought?
This is my story about how one young man from Jamestown changed me. A few short weeks ago, I was with my husband and son enjoying a Shakespeare’s pizza after church when we received a phone call informing us of the death of Leon Deraps. Nineteen-year-old Leon B. Deraps, a lance corporal in the Marines, who had been deployed to Iraq only three short months ago.
My connection to him was somewhat distant, yet it felt close at the same time. His older brother had dated my sister for a lengthy amount of time. Although I only met Leon once or twice, I had heard so many stories from my sister or his brother that I felt as if I knew him. My sister often spoke of what a great kid he was and how she loved to tease him because it drove him crazy.
As I sat at the restaurant table finishing my lunch and attending to my young son, my heart began to sink. As I looked at my son, I could not imagine having him in my life for 19 years and then losing him so suddenly without even getting to say “good-bye.”
As I drove back home after lunch, the sadness of the situation hit me and I began to cry. This was the first serviceman killed in our fight against terrorism that I had a personal tie to. Until then, each name I heard on the news was faceless and had passed over my ears with little reaction. This is not to say I was not saddened by the lost lives, I just had no connection that would cause me to dwell on them. Leon’s death was different. He was closer.
I couldn’t stop thinking of his parents, his brothers, his sisters and everyone else that now had to deal with this harsh reality. I felt as though I wanted to do something to ease their pain although I knew there was little I could do. I sent a sympathy card with a heartfelt note but I wished I could do more. We waited for a few days until they received word of when Leon would be “coming home.” I followed the news reports in the papers and on TV. Some of my family members visited Leon’s family to bring food and show support. I was amazed and proud to see the outpouring of support in Jamestown and all of the surrounding communities.
I waited for the day I could go and pay my respects.
We left work a little early on the day of the visitation. There had been some talk of possible protests at the service and I was quietly praying on the way over that those people would not disrupt this time of grieving and remembrance for Leon’s family and friends. I had read in the paper about the flag-lined streets in Jamestown but to drive down the road and see flag after flag was an awesome sight. Neighbors and businesses had painted signs in tribute to their fallen hometown hero. Friends had painted messages and put up American flags on their cars and trucks.
We found a place to park a short walk away from the high school where the visitation was being held. As I approached, holding my son, I noticed a group of bikers that seemed to be “protecting” the area. Just the day before, my cousin had informed me about the Patriot Guard, a group of motorcycle riders who’s mission it is to render any protesters at military funerals ineffective by using legal means. I felt so relieved to know that someone was looking out for the Deraps family at this time.
The line that had formed was already well outside of the school gymnasium where his family members were greeting the mourners and well-wishers. I met up with my other family members that had arrived earlier and we began our wait. I couldn’t honestly say exactly how long we waited … I’d guess between 1½ and two hours. I was so taken in by my surroundings; I did not watch the clock. The line was curving all over the foyer and gymnasium so as to get as many people in the building as possible.
For a while, we looked at the Jamestown High School memorabilia and talked with some others in line. My dad took my son and went to sit down on the bleachers because it was apparent we still had awhile to go. As we neared the entrance to the gym, there was a video of Leon playing on a TV. It was looped so it would play over and over. I had learned earlier in the week that he had sent this video home to his family shortly before his death but to stand there and watch the video of this handsome young Marine so full of life was heart wrenching. Because the line was moving slow we saw it several times.
I remember him saying “I’m doing fine”, “I’ll send more”, and “I love you.” I was so happy that his family had received such a treasure at such a difficult time but I couldn’t keep the tears from flowing as I thought of how there would be no more videos and no more “I love you’s.” It was almost more than I could bear, I wanted so badly for the line to move a little faster.
As we entered the gym, we received a program of sorts. The paper had a write-up about Leon that his father had so beautifully penned and a poem of tribute that had been written by his older sister. After some more tears, I was overwhelmed with the need to hold my baby boy. Although he had no idea about what was happening, I knew being close to him would bring me some comfort. Truthfully, I was hoping that a smiling baby boy might do the same for Leon’s family too.
The lined moved up a little closer. A thoughtful lady that was volunteering to help at the visitation gathered up some peppermints into a bag and started going all the way down the waiting line inside and out. I remembered being so struck by this awesome display of hospitality. The walls of the gym were lined with poster after poster made by the kids who attended the Jamestown school. Several had famous quotes but others had personal notes. The one I remember the most was “Leon, you are the only person I would shave my head for.” You see, several of Leon’s friends and family members were now donning Marine haircuts as a tribute to their fallen hero. I was so touched by that, I wanted a way to pay tribute to him also.
As we neared the family with Kleenexes in hand, we came to a big screen TV that was playing a slide show of Leon’s life. There was music playing in the background. The song I remember was Jeremy Camp’s song “Right Here”. “Everywhere you go, I know you’re not far away, You’re right here” he sang over and over. The pictures I got to see were of his childhood. He was playing with his brothers and sisters, he was celebrating birthdays, smiling and having fun.
The line started to move again, I found myself wishing I could stay and watch the rest of the “story.” We started down the line of family members. There were hugs and tears. Sometimes I felt as though they were comforting me more than I was comforting them. There were no words I could say to ease their pain. I could only say that I was sorry and that I had been and will be praying for them.
I looked around at the setting. There were Marines standing next to a closed casket. I wondered how difficult it must be to not even be able to see their precious loved one for a final time. There were beautiful flowers everywhere. Someone had framed some pictures of him when he was small and written some words about the courage he had that was unknown at that time. There were now dozens of people sitting on the bleachers waiting patiently to pay their respects to the family.
Words do little to express the feelings of this moment.
The next morning we woke up and drove back to town for the funeral. I guess that normally, one might think that attending the visitation of someone you didn’t know was “enough.” In this case however, it was not. Leon gave his life for my freedom and the little I could give back to him was a few hours of my time. We had heard that we should follow the flags to the small country church where the funeral was being held. We drove past mile after mile after mile of thousands of American flags that lined the road on each side. We arrived nearly an hour early but there were already many people there. We took a seat outside to watch the services on one of the large TVs that had been set up in the yard due to the lack of seating inside the church. It was a beautiful sunny day.
I looked up to see a large bird soaring overhead. Person after person arrived. A little after 10:00am, we heard the roaring of dozens of motorcycles escorting the funeral procession down the narrow gravel road to the church. The Patriot Guard parked and stood silently, many holding American flags, while the casket and Leon’s family filed into the church. The service was nice. The priest gave a profound and moving sermon. I remember thinking again, as I had so many times before, how does someone face such a tragedy without their Christian faith to turn to?
When the service concluded we all sang “America the Beautiful” as some of Leon’s fellow Marines carried his casket to the burial site next to the church past the line-up of saluting boy scouts. His family took their seats next to the site and the burial service began. I don’t remember the exact order of events but I remember vividly several things which will be engrained into my memory forever. His parents received Leon’s purple heart, Apache helicopters flew over, there was a 21-gun salute and a Marine knelt down on one knee as he handed the neatly folded American flag to Leon’s mother and father.
During all this many of the mourners were overtaken by their grief. There was loud sobbing and there were quiet tears. Every person there will have that day etched in their memory for a very long time.
As the service concluded and people began to disperse, I finally figured out what small thing I could do to honor Lance Corporal Leon Bertrand Deraps. I turned to my husband and said “makes you want to never let a serviceman or woman go by without saying ‘thank you.’.”
So that’s it. It’s not earth-shattering or mind-blowing, but it is my small way of giving back for the one who gave his all for my freedom and the freedom of all Americans. I will fight past my shyness. I will fight past my insecurities. I will always say “Thank You.”
I started last week at the Memorial Day parade, when will you?

Photos from Tall Oaks Retreat Center...

So I Went on a Walk...

For the third year in a row, I was blessed to be able to attend the "Created Female" retreat In Linwood, KS. It is a retreat put on by our home church, Woodcrest, in Columbia, MO. At the retreat we focus on many different things such as our God-given calling, our emotional health, finding time to rest and be silent, and this year we spent an entire afternoon in theological discussion. My seminarian husband and neighbors will be so proud!! Each woman there has felt a call on their life, in some capacity, to be a leader. Some are leaders at churches and others are leaders in non church settings. As you may or may not know, women leaders is not always a popular idea at many churches. What I love at this retreat is that we learn about all sides of this issue. This past retreat, we took a look at the theological arguments for and against females in leadership positions in church (and life). We were encouraged to be respectful of those with differing views. I hope you are not picturing a room full of angry feminist Christian women...because you would be so very wrong. Instead, we are full of love, grace and peace. We simply believe that God hands out spiritual gifts, not based on gender, but based on the individual’s design. God has a calling for everyone's life...it is just a matter of realizing that, embracing it, and choosing to walk with Him on that journey.

Speaking of walking with God...while at the retreat, we spend about 3 hours in silence and solitude. Some use this as a time to rest, others like to pray or journal. I generally like to walk around or sit quietly while listening to all kinds of music. The grounds where the retreat is held are tree-filled with trails and a small pond back in the woods. I began my time on a blanket in the sun. Seeing as I live in Minnesota now and we have been through one of the worst winters in many many years, I figured I'd better soak it up! I was having trouble focusing so I decided to take a walk down by the pond. Going into the weekend, I'd really been struggling with my anxiety. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times...seminary does an amazing job of bringing all of your flaws right up to the surface and forcing to you deal with them or crash. For me, one of those flaws, is my struggle with anxiety. I've come pretty far with coping in healthy ways with it in the past 1 1/2 years, but hear me when I say I've got far to go! So as I got up to walk down by the pond, the last think I wrote in big, bold letters was "I HATE ANXIETY!" And I do!

I headed into the woods with my music blaring in my headphones. For me, music of all kinds has always helped me feel connected to God. Songs ranging from Garth Brooks' "To Make You Feel My Love" to Ginny Owens' "If You Want Me To" have helped me to feel God's love and presence in my life. Well, I got down to the pond and there were several teenagers down there (from another camp going on). So I decided to walk on past. Soon, I came to a fork in the road and a sign. It listed 2 paths I could choose. I made my choice and set off. I had not done this at any other retreat before so I was excited to go for a walk and see where I ended up. It was at this point that I realized that my music was serving more as a distraction than as a means of feeling connected to God...I guess you could say I felt moved to turn it off. Well...the next fork I came to had no sign. I chose left and kept on going. And again...another fork, no sign. I chose left again and kept going. Now at this point, my anxiety is starting to rise up a bit. I had to be back at a certain time to help a friend out with a task and I was meeting with one of the leaders. I had no watch or cell phone with me because I always make it a point to completely unplug when at the retreat. The further I got, the path started to get a bit more overgrown but I kept going because I hated to turn around and go all the way back the same way at this point. When I first set off on the trail, I was noticing the wildlife all around me. I heard birds and saw beautiful flowers. As I got more unsure of my path, I stopped noticing the beauty around me and focused only on the unknown. At some point, as I got deeper into the woods, I laughed as I thought “It would be fitting for me to be the only person ever to come to a retreat at this place and end up on ‘I Shouldn't Be Alive’.” LOL! Yes, my sense of direction, or lack thereof, is that bad! I just kept on the trail and finally it started to loop around and seemed to be heading back towards the retreat center. But all of the sudden, it completely stopped. Then I was frustrated and my anxiety really took over. I hurriedly started back the way I came, hoping I could remember which forks I had taken. As I walked out of the place in the forest where the trail had ended, I was suddenly struck as I stopped to look around. The place I was standing was serene and quite beautiful. There was creek running along side me, flowers scattered around me and a sense of peace throughout. I even noticed a beautiful bird fly up and land not too far away from where I stood. It was at this point, that I started to sense God laying out this metaphor for me to hear from Him.  In my anxiety, I had nearly missed all that was going on around me...the peace, the beauty, the rest.  As I headed back, I was still feeling anxious because I wasn't sure I'd remember which turns to take and I didn't know what the time was.  I finally came to the point on the path where the pond was...but I quickly walked right past it.  I wanted to stop but didn't feel it was worth the risk of letting my friend down or missing my time with the retreat leader.  About 5 seconds past the water, however, something inside of me made me stop.  I looked back at the water and felt compelled to turn around and sit there for a bit.  "But what if I'm late,"  my brain thought, but the feeling was too overwhelming and so I went down to the water.  It was while I was there that I really felt God give me some actions steps for this next season of life...and I almost missed the opportunity to "hear."  Sure God could have met me later, I don't think it was a one time chance but I do think that God used that again to show me what things my anxiety is causing me to miss out on. 

So I headed up the hill and walked into the retreat center. I was supposed to be back by 5:00…and it was 5:35!  I first found my friend that I’d missed out on helping.  She had taken care of it on her own and said it was not a problem.  I just giggled and said “I will have to tell you a funny story later.”  Next I went out to see if the retreat leader was waiting for me to meet, it turned out she was running late too and we still got to have our time together.

So…what I learned from my walk that day was this:

1.     Never miss a chance to enjoy the beauty around me.

2.     Take time to rest and enjoy the silence and solitude when it comes.

3.     Even when things don’t go as planned, don’t let anxiety overtake me…things will work themselves out in the end.

4.     Take time to find God and “hear” him in every situation…you never know just what he might be

saying!

Fighting against my sometimes anxious personality will be a life long battle and I believe that realizing that and accepting it was a huge step.  There are healthy ways to cope with it and to learn to not let it overtake me.

Every day is a journey …baby steps, baby steps, baby steps…

Here we go...

So…I am starting a new blog! If you follow my old blog, you may be asking the question “why? : ) Well…when I started that one, I had great intentions of writing about our daily life and uploading pics of the famly periodically. It became evident very quickly seminary life combined with my phlegmatic personality were not going to equal frequent blogging about daily happenings. “Memoirs of a Seminary Wife” is an idea that came to me before we had even moved to Minnesota. Originally I had envisioned it more as a book. A collection of thoughts, reflections and possibly even a bit of wisdom gained while walking through this crazy hard and amazingly wonderful journey my family and I are on at Bethel. But as I spent an extended time in silence and solitude at a “Created Female” retreat last weekend (more on that later), I felt the nudge to go ahead and start posting my thoughts in blog form…so here we go!